


I Wonder

by vicisse



Category: The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Past Character Death, and THEN read the prequel story, i literally cried while writing this, it helps if you read the last chapter of R&R (not the epilogue), it’s not even that long but i had to write it, what if Alina saw the Darkling’s body before they burned him?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-16 04:30:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17542721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vicisse/pseuds/vicisse
Summary: Who had tended him? I wondered, feeling an ache rise in my throat. Who had combed his dark hair back so neatly from his forehead? Who had folded his graceful hands on his chest?---Alternate R&R scene where Alina tends to Aleksander’s body and tells him all the things she couldn’t bring herself to say when he was alive.





	I Wonder

A part of me was glad—relieved, really—when Nikolai and I came to an agreement on the Second Army. Another part of me was pained, too. Under Nikolai, Ravka’s Second Army wouldn’t only fight for the King; they would also look after the safety of its Grisha and act as a safe haven for them. The ache came when I remembered: the Darkling had wanted this, too. He wanted to rule Ravka, but he had also wanted Grisha to belong. It wasn’t perfect, but it was a start.

And he would never get to see it.

Nikolai was concerned. He must have seen the pain on my face. “Alina?” he asked. “Everything all right?”

I was silent a moment, contemplating my answer. Ravka was be rid of the Shadow Fold, and Mal was safe— _alive_. Everything _was_ all right. And yet, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was still something missing, a piece of the puzzle that didn’t quite line up.

“Everything’s fine,” I decided to say, “but I’m… not.” I looked helplessly at my hands, at a loss for what to do. “Maybe,” I said after a moment, “maybe I just need closure.” I looked up at Nikolai, met the surprise in his eyes. “Can I see his body?”

“Alina,” he said, his voice gentle but firm with warning, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“He’s dead.” When the words left my mouth, they tasted like salt—like tears. “He can’t— He can’t come back. He won’t come back,” I said. “I just— I need to see him. One last time.”

It took some more convincing, but Nikolai gave a reluctant nod. He led me toward a tented area where the Unsea once stood, where a platform—a pyre—held up the Darkling’s body.

I couldn’t stop the sharp intake of breath nor the tears that prickled at my eyes. He was exactly as I had left him. Dried blood stained his mouth and chin, and his arms were at his side. At least someone had thought to change him into a different _kefta_ , to cover up the wound on his chest.

“Genya said she would tend to him,” said Nikolai. “She’s looking after another body first—yours, actually.”

I nodded. I swiped furiously at a tear before it rolled down my cheek. “Can I,” I started, unsure. “Can I have a moment with him? Alone?”

Nikolai pursed his lips. Then, he looked down at the stray people milling about and nodded. They got the idea and shuffled out quickly. Nikolai turned to me and placed a gloved hand on my shoulder. “Don’t be too long,” he said softly. “I’ll be right outside if you need me.”

I nodded again. I couldn’t bring myself to speak until he had left, until I was alone.

“No grave for them to desecrate,” I said as I approached. “You and I are going to burn on the Tula Valley. I’m— Well, I’m not burning, but Genya’s Tailoring one of my Sun Soldiers to look like me.” I bit my lip. “I know it would have meant more if it was actually me, sharing that pyre with you, but—” I took in a shrill breath, willed myself to speak clearly. “Someone should mourn. Someone should remember your true name.”

I knelt beside him now. I considered taking his hand, but I couldn’t being myself to touch his body without bursting into tears. “I know it wasn’t what you had in mind,” I said, “but it’s happening. Grisha will have a safe haven. It might only be in Ravka, for now, but it will happen. We—” I winced at my words. There was no ‘we.’ I wasn’t Grisha anymore. “I talked with Nikolai,” I continued instead. “There will be a Triumvirate—a council of Grisha representatives from each order. You’d probably find the idea terrible, but…” I trailed off, bit my lip in an effort to hold back my tears. “It’s a start.”

I was struggling to keep my voice from breaking, but I had to say what else had been weighing on me—all the things I couldn’t bring myself to say when he was alive.

“You know,” I began, “you never told me why you wanted me to know your name. I wonder if a part of you knew this might be how it ended. I wonder if you just wanted me to believe that I would make you a good man, that you wouldn’t make me into a monster.”

Tears began to blur my vision. I dug my fingers into the fabric of his _kefta_. “I wonder if you told anyone else. I wonder if there is anyone left to remember. I wonder if things could have been different, if…” If what? If he had told me the truth? I don’t know. I don’t think I’d want to know. Instead, I continued and said what had been weighing the heaviest. “I wonder if I might have loved you,” I said, my voice cracking. “ _You_ , Aleksander. Not the Darkling, not any other names or titles you bore, but _you_.

“I wonder what changed. I wonder what hardened your heart. Was it the burden of immortality? Was it the things you’ve seen? How many people had you lost to time? How many people had you lost to tragedy? How many people did you love?” It was impossible to talk without sobbing now, but I hung on, clung to the rest of my words, to give us both respite. “I wonder,” I began again. “I wonder about what could have been and what wasn’t. I wonder about trivial things, too. What was your favorite color? What was your favorite food? What was your favorite place to visit?

“I wonder about the things that made you human. I wonder what made you decide to let them go. I wonder if you hadn’t let them go at all. I wonder if you buried it so deep you had drowned it in darkness. I wonder if any sliver of emotion you shared with me—whether it was your smile or your anger or your desire— I wonder how much of it was real. I wonder,” I repeated, “if I might have loved you, Aleksander.”

I took in a deep breath, sniffling. Very carefully, I leaned over him and brought his hands together at his chest, swept his dark hair from his forehead.

I couldn’t bear to say the next words aloud, so I cried. I cried and prayed to the Saints that—wherever Aleksander’s soul had gone—he would hear me, hear my final words for him. When I cried, I mourned for the boy he was and not the monster he became.

I wanted to say it was heartbreaking. I could never say these things if he had lived, because I knew he would use it to his advantage. It was heartbreaking, because only in death was he finally able to shed the burden of immortality and bear the name of the boy he had given up.

Despite everything he had done, I couldn’t bring myself to truly hate him. I hated the person he became, and I hated all the cruel things he had done to become that person, become the Darkling, but I had also understood. I may not understand completely, but it was enough. It was enough for me to love a part of him, however small it was.

I stood up, still clutching his hands in mine. My eyes scanned his face—his peaceful face—one last time.

“Goodbye, Aleksander.”

**Author's Note:**

> did you cry? i cried. not to sound evil, but i hope y’all cried, too. this was basically brought on bc i was re-reading the darkling’s prequel story and burst into tears at the whole, “tattooed on your heart” bit. baghra told him, “You don’t let just anyone read it,” but he had let alina know and i just
> 
> well. anyway. cry with me and leave a comment and/or kudos 🤧
> 
> \---
> 
> UPDATE 02/05/2019: So. After reading King of Scars, I feel stupid for writing AND crying over this, but I digress. No spoilers.


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